i don’t know how i got here
i can’t even pick an outfit, style my hair, or order a meal
without thinking about your approval
your passive aggressive remarks
a simple dagger to my chest
making me question every step, every word, every sentence.
what would you do?
what would you think?
for once i want to question: what do I think? what do i want?
with my answer not being clouded by your constant remarks
but how i can blame you for my own codependency?
the image of perfection is never perfect
but yet here i am hating myself for not achieving the unattainable
thinking that somehow i’m not trying hard enough
i’m not sure if that’s low self esteem or straight up narcissism
that i of all beings could be perfection if i just tried hard enough
impossible but still in the realm of possibility
but my permanent scars, cellulite, blemish’s, and melanin
tell a different story
perfection simply isn’t me
yet i still expect myself to accomplish it
I told a lie
a black hole grew in my chest
i told another
until i saw the little fires i had started
everything i loved burned alive
the black hole took over
never to be the same
in the mirror i still see the monster
the monster is me
and i started those little fires
